Eve of Eve

It's New Year's Eve tomorrow. Excited? Haha... I am perpetually so. Always find something to look forward to... that is my subconscious motto.

I think I am in the giggly and "dance-y" mood today. Calm down, need to get a bit more serious for work.

The poster has gone up for the New Year's Eve celebration in my company. We're having a countdown event every two hours starting at 3pm tomorrow until midnight. I guess there would be no celebrity (major or minor) gracing us with his or her presence this year.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

There is something different about the mood here at work. Everyone's more smiley and chatty, albeit rather lethargic. Perhaps it is just the atmosphere with some Chrismas songs being played in the morning, or some staff members slept late as a result of Christmas Eve partying.

Well, whatever it is... let's soldier on until we all get home to rest.

Whose Party Rocks?

Who else's?

It's been two whole years since I have organised anything closely resembling a party. The last was for New Year's Eve 2003 which lasted until New Year's Day 2004, of course. People who attended it still remember it fondly.

My friends tell me parties, or life, isn't the same without me. I told them that I have put away my party hat and have been leading a "less happening" but satisfying life... That is, until I got selected to organise and host another party. I forgot how exciting it is, even if I had to do most of the planning, budgeting, negotiations, etc. on my own. I even found it hard to sleep two nights prior to the event just anticipating it and planning in my head ("So, we set up the food, so-and-so will get the music going, this-and-that will be done by such time... It would be fun!").

So, does the party hat go back into the closet or am I reluctant to take it off? No doubt, seeing everyone smiling happily at me after the event and been given a "good job" handshake can be addictive. It could be laziness, but I guess I slightly of prefer to attend other people's parties for now (and let them do the work!).

Gone Too Soon

I arrived home after work at 9pm, went to shower then sat down and turned on my computer. Within the first few minutes, the email below came into view. It was sent by my best childhood buddy and ex-primary school classmate who now resides in New Zealand. I merely substituted all the names.

Dearest AAA and flowerweed,

I have very sad news, our dear BBB was in a car accident yesterday (Sunday). Her brother's car broke down and she came to help him by the road side. She was hit by a passing car. She was sent to ER and was in critical condition. CCC was called by DDD at around 1pm yesterday.. he told CCC to come visit because it might be the last chance. BBB's heart stopped at 2pm. But they managed to save her, and she is now on machine life support, but in a coma. The doctors have declared her brain dead and will turn off the machines at 5pm today.

Please pray for her. CCC has said that there isn't much hope.

We are all very shocked and sadden by the news. She is a beautiful girl and we were all very close friends.

God bless,

EEE


My primary school classmate passed away?

I have not seen her for over 10 years because I have always been on the move. Out of the blue, she added me on Friendster four days ago. I did not even know she was on before. I just looked up some information on what she has become. I cannot say we were close but she was a part of my memory and a part of my childhood, and she will always be. I suddenly do not know how to feel except that it is undoubtedly a loss. She was younger than I am, and looked sweet and demure in her online photos. She was definitely someone I would remember from class. We even had a crush on the same guy way back then.

I called CCC to confirm the incident and contacted AAA in case she had not seen the email.

There was one recurring thought running through my head for the past two days:
"There are some people you have to love before their time is up"

I even reminded myself yesterday that I must love as much and as best as I can because I do not know if my time will be up before theirs is. Happy and healthy one day, then gone the next. I should know considering the industry I work in. I do not want to go to sleep with a lot of unfinished business.

Those thoughts seem to be a premonition of the news today. It is just past 10:30pm. I shedded some tears quietly while typing, which is probably good because I do not want to hold any negative feelings inside.

My condolences to her family.

May you remember that every day you live is a gift and every breath you take a blessing.

Complain about your life and I shall give you a slap so hard you head will spin.

My Bit Of Info

I find myself with more "me-time" with the computer these days. So, perhaps I shall put some random recent thoughts down in words.

First of all, listen to Elvis Presley. He is the King for a good reason. He makes me cheery. People may wonder why I have been in such a good mood at work this week. Well, they need not wonder anymore once they realised that his beautiful songs have been flowing from my PC to my ears via my headphones. Yes, I have overhauled some songs again and, this time, loaded his song from my CDs at home to work. My favourite of his is still "And I Love You So". It makes me want to reply, "And I love you too". I have enjoyed Elvis' songs since young but I guess they were not exactly my preferred choice before. Perhaps the age factor has come into play and I have learnt to appreciate them more now.

On a different topic, I would like to give my two cents worth about love. I was glad to know a friend has found a more suitable love partner and is feeling happier with other aspects of life as well. However, through a brief catching-up session with another friend, I sensed unhappiness and frustration there, most likely to do with the lack of being able to get hold of someone. I hesistate to write "get some love" because I feel that this person is probably wishing to just get "someone", not necessarily love, soon.

As much as I disapprove of such things, I really do sympathise. I have also thought of helping out. But, what can I do? In terms of such matters, other people can only assist by trying to enlarge the pool of candidates for one to choose from. Let me mention here that I would dearly love to help but it really does not seem like I am the sort who has much free time to do much of anything. I have thought and thought about it and could not come up with any suitable candidates either.

I do hope people would not rush themselves in such aspects because there is a likelihood that some unsuitable person would suddenly seem to fit the bill in their desparate search. There have been a few near-accidents concerning some friends and during those times, I have tried various approaches from tactfully asking them if this was what they wanted to outrightly telling them that their choice of partner is far from favorable. If I were in such a situation, I would want my friend to do the same... slap me awake to smell the coffee if you must.

When? How long must I wait? How will I know that it is him or her?

These are things I cannot tell you. I doubt anyone but a genuine clairvoyant with crystal balls, tarot cards or whatever they use can tell you. You will know. You will. Don't worry. But don't go dreaming up the symptoms and pretend that it has happened when it hasn't. You may want it so much, you tell yourself that you're in love, it is the right person, the right everything. Of course, if you want to fool yourself, you will doubtlessly succeed. But make sure you let your true friends in on your thoughts so they may clear the haze and break the illusion for you if necessary, then lend a shoulder for you to cry on when it is all over.

I do not intend to pass myself off as an expert. I have had silly crushes as a teenager, and I am still in danger of being attracted to the wrong people even now. But I think I know a little about the difference between attraction, lust, crushes... and what they each feel like. I enjoy watching eye-candies as much as the next person. But, only once have I looked into someone's eyes and have been able to see 'forever'. It is a rather strange feeling. People say that before you die, your whole life (i.e. your past) flashes before your eyes. Well, how about having your future (together) flashing before yours? It probably happened in a nanosecond. It was not a jolt or any of that junk silly romance novels will tell you. It's just a comfortable feeling, a warm feeling of knowing. (OK, so there was a bit of a jolt because I did not expect to see it in those eyes in particular because I know them quite well and have looked into them a fair number of times before.) So I know such things exist.

Well, what happens after seeing 'forever'? You only know you have met the right kind of person for you. (Note: Not "The right person". I do not believe in "The One". There is, of course, more than one person suited to you. Don't believe in such myth.) It does not mean all parameters are set for you. In the example I gave, the situation was not suitable for 'now', let alone 'forever'.

Perhaps I shall see 'forever' again in someone else's eyes. Or, I may see it again in the same pair of eyes as before. May you look out for it yourselves if you have not found it already. Remember, I told you it is not lust or attraction or any romantic thingamajigs.

If Only's

I caught myself with the two words "if only" running through my head repeatedly at a rather persistent rate again.

I thought I had discarded the notion of "if only" with some annoyance some time back. For example, if someone were to complain, "If only you came out a bit sooner we wouldn't've been late!", I may reply with some annoyance, "If only I were a millionaire, we'd get into a private helicopter and beat the traffic!".

There is a more wistful sort of "if only". It may come in the form of, "If only I knew about this sooner" being said with much regret. I may jokingly or scoldingly (depending on the person and situation) say, "Yes... And if only I knew today's winning lottery number yesterday! Come on! Some things can't be helped because you didn't know it would be so."

If only... if only...

These words ran through my mind. I thought there were two thousand "if only's" because I kept hearing them in my head. But perhaps there was just one.... One that was booming in my ears so loudly I thought everyone must have been able to hear it too. It goes on and on like a broken recorder on playback mode. Thankfully, I know its strength with subside and this ringing in my ears will fade off eventually.

I know I should seek my own advice and know that there is really no "if only" in this world.

Do understand that "if" and "if only" have different connotations to me. With "if", I open my mind and heart to endless possibilities and dream of what may be. World peace, endless joy, super advanced science, art that will move me to tears... With "if only", I think of all the things that could have been but did not become. People who died for worthless reasons, opportunites that have been lost, promise of love that was unfulfilled, materpieces in the making left unfinished...

Do not dwell on the "if only's", my friend.

Waltzing Matilda

Enter and exit take three.

Waltz in and out of my life again like a breeze.