If Only's

I caught myself with the two words "if only" running through my head repeatedly at a rather persistent rate again.

I thought I had discarded the notion of "if only" with some annoyance some time back. For example, if someone were to complain, "If only you came out a bit sooner we wouldn't've been late!", I may reply with some annoyance, "If only I were a millionaire, we'd get into a private helicopter and beat the traffic!".

There is a more wistful sort of "if only". It may come in the form of, "If only I knew about this sooner" being said with much regret. I may jokingly or scoldingly (depending on the person and situation) say, "Yes... And if only I knew today's winning lottery number yesterday! Come on! Some things can't be helped because you didn't know it would be so."

If only... if only...

These words ran through my mind. I thought there were two thousand "if only's" because I kept hearing them in my head. But perhaps there was just one.... One that was booming in my ears so loudly I thought everyone must have been able to hear it too. It goes on and on like a broken recorder on playback mode. Thankfully, I know its strength with subside and this ringing in my ears will fade off eventually.

I know I should seek my own advice and know that there is really no "if only" in this world.

Do understand that "if" and "if only" have different connotations to me. With "if", I open my mind and heart to endless possibilities and dream of what may be. World peace, endless joy, super advanced science, art that will move me to tears... With "if only", I think of all the things that could have been but did not become. People who died for worthless reasons, opportunites that have been lost, promise of love that was unfulfilled, materpieces in the making left unfinished...

Do not dwell on the "if only's", my friend.