Accountability & Blame

I do not shrink away from being accountable when I have done something incorrectly, be it due to ignorance, carelessness or misjusdgement. However, I sense great displeasure when I am marked down for error when I was just following instructions from someone I am to take instructions from.

Technology

Ah, the dependence on ICT, IT, systems, computer hardware, peripherals, etc. That is precisely why I am sitting in office typing again. (Note that I do this when absolutely unable to progress with work and in an MS Word document or something else before uploading it.)

The shared printers completely refused to function today (they have been fickle for the last week or so) and we had to manually print out the work we had to do today onto paper. All the info that we usually print out on recycled paper for easy reference just wasn’t that accessible anymore.

Now, after finishing one “batch” of duties, we want to check on the latest status before my senior can assign me something to do. The printer on our side has been changed (IT nicked it from HR since our case was more urgent for company performance), but I think there is still some difficulty with printing. All the backlog of print jobs had to be deleted and, somehow, today’s print job isn’t coming out. On top of this problem with the printer, the system we are all so dependent on threw us out several times, and each time we had to wait quite a number of minutes before we can get reconnected.

My productivity today will be low. We are all concerned about productivity because, over here, it doesn’t matter how long you work or how long you go for your breaks (or when). All that matters is your productivity and you are rewarded based on it, especially for out bonuses and various other measures.

I look across hopefully at the printer.

It is silent.

Will talk to someone about it.

Maturing

Am I maturing? The natural answer is yes. And I also think that, given all the experiences and changes, I have grown and improved in many ways. Is that maturing?

What is the definition of maturing?

Being less childish was the first thing that came to my mind. If so, nope, I'm not maturing. If anything, I am now more comfortable with being childish when I want to be. I no longer feel obliged to make myself look older, more sophisticated or "matured". Also, I feel that I have the license to act as childishly as I like since people who know me and matter to me, know me well enough (I've not got more to add or prove to them). People who do not know me yet should get to know the real me instead of my nice facade. Nowadays, I even stay "natural" when I go to interviews, or when meeting people I would normally want to impress. No more trying to look polished and refined... except when really necessary.

I was chatting with a friend about how we've changed since we met. Thank goodness for change! Some of us are resistant to it. Some even abhor it. I am now appreciative of it. Once again, thank goodness for our ability to change... to change ourselves, others, and the environment around us, etc. The change we can effect may not be huge or immediate, but every action will spawn a reaction. Do take note that this is not physics, so don't expect equivalent results for the amount of effort that you put in.

Don't be disheartened by:
- change
- the lack of it
- the current state of things

Things can only get better if they are bad. If it gets worse, curse and channel your unhappiness into motivation to improve things. Easier said than done, I know. Well, we have to be optimistic.

Short burst of freedom

Today, I am suddenly free. It’s just so amazing that it needs recording. After continuous non-stop working (except 15-45min lunch, depending on whether I have to go and buy something or just eat what I have) and OT-ing (dinner at 9pm, but with some munching of junk food in front of the computer) for about a couple of weeks, I suddenly am sitting in front of my computer with no work temporarily.

This is not something to rejoice about actually. Other members of my team experienced difficulty with backlog in their area (nothing I can do to help), and the manager has raised the “Red Alert” to our counterparts in Singapore to help. Suddenly, all our work has been taken over… and with great speed, I might add! Those people at spoke (we here are known as hub) are amazing. I am truly impressed watching the backlog clear before my eyes as I monitor things through the system query. There is definitely something to be said about their efficiency. Sort of like piranhas attacking the load that we had. Take note that I do not mean that my team members are inadequate in their skills. It’s just that we are so very short of manpower and the ones that we have are new to the current operations. We are still under observation by our clients in Singapore and, therefore, try our best to achieve the quality that is their service standard, even at the expense of speed. Sigh… we are constantly told that QUALITY is the MOST important thing. Raising the “Red Alert” is okay. But, it doesn’t look too good to do it that often. It’s the second time this week, and it’s only Wednesday. Malaysians’ abilities and reputation may be at stake here.

Whoops! Some work coming in now…. Off!

*** Two and a half hours later

Man! I thought I'd be able to leave work at 5:15pm or about 5:30pm today with the system going down at 7pm for some IT work and red alert at 3pm. Didn't happen. Left about 6:15pm but that is still pretty early... and I am eating my leftover spagetti at 7:30pm while typing this. It seems like pretty normal dinner!

Alas! The return to normality will not last. What's normal to others is not to me. I shall have to continue slogging away, especially near month end closing (looks like it's the office till 10pm... now where's my sleeping bag?). How come month end started two weeks ago?

Slow... Patience...

My life seems to have slowed considerably. Things have not stopped but they might as well have. It feels odd. It was not too long ago that I grimaced at how fast everything was happening... how I did not have breathing space to stop and contemplate because I needed to be on the ball and to try to get near the front of the pack. I wished for everything to calm down... and they did!

Maybe they calmed down too much, or maybe I am just not used to it yet, but this feels really weird. Things that are especially priority for me seem to progress at their own whim and pace. I suppose I do not really have the capability (and it would be better not to) to influence them. The effects could be detrimental.

So, I am left to learn how to "let go". I have to try to learn to relax and take things easy, especially when it comes to work. Speed is not necessarily ideal. I have to learn about patience... and then try to embed it in my character, or rather my work attitude. Many people say that I am a very patient person. I am not that patient when it comes to work performance (that may be putting it mildly). I have always demanded results fast from studies and work... and other activities that offer tangible items to measure performance. You may not know how much effort I have to put in to consciously tell myself to take it easy.

I think I am managing quite well in the "stop and smell the roses" department. I am balancing my life and distracting myself from work with a lot of gym, even more computer games, and some reading. One may argue that I am not really stopping. I'm working hard still... but have diverted my energies elsewhere.

Whatever...