Some Men

Some thoughts and memories came to my mind and I really felt I want to put it down to proper words and express them.

I note that these days, my originally anonymous blog known to myself and a few close friends has evolved to become less private. More people seem to know about this site now and who flowerweed is. Now, I sometimes feel as if I am writing in a journal and wondering who will pick it up and read it, and what sort of interpretations they will have of what's in it. Oh, sod it! I have found a medium for my self-expression now and I shouldn't care what others think. Anyway, let's just get back to the matter at hand.

If ever, on the outside, I have to cry, I cry alone. I believe it's totally justifiable for some people to cry wherever and whenever they want to, but for me it is a very private thing and I do it alone, without people noticing the before/during/after process. If my negative feelings should ever surface (generally, I feel that they shouldn never do so), I want as few people to realise it as possible. I can easily smile and let the tears reverse their direction of flow.

Generally, tonight, my thoughts were on two men who have been with me at times when I have cried before, and how different their reactions were to some who automatically dissuade crying and feel very uncomfortable with it.

I was starting to sob rather uncontrollably once when one of the two (A) bumped into me. He was quick to notice tears trickling down behind the shades I was wearing even though I turned my face away when he called out his "Hello". He didn't want to leave me and encouraged me to cry it out. At times he caught my tears with his fingertips and tried to make me smile. At others, he commiserated with me and complained about the lousiness of it all. I desparately wanted to stopped crying, especially since he was there, but I just couldn't. He told me it was ok, that things were really horrible and made me feel I deserved the right to have a good cry. It was a long hard cry. A painful process of ridding the pain in me. He was there and I am still extremely grateful for it.

The other (B) was less vocal in encouraging me to cry on the two occasions tears sprung on me too suddenly to hide. On both occasions, he seemed like he thought I should be given some privacy for crying but didn't want to move away. Once, he came and tried to "solve" the problem, theoretically speaking. Not really possible actually. On the other occasion, I wasn't exactly crying but tears filled my eyes. Sadness hit like a ton of bricks because I was already depressed and something we said recalled to mind something that hurt a lot. He looked away as I turned away to try to hide the fact that there were tears in my eyes. I tried to laugh and make a joke about the fact that I have started crying for "some reason". He didn't seem to find it funny and offered me some paper tissue. I used my own and was backpedalling fast to regain the casual mood with much exaggerated lightheartedness. He smiled and played along, moving on to other topics of conversation. Nonetheless, he seemed to be very alert to my mood and tried to tactfully understand the source of my unhappiness by inserting some questions here and there. He should have been preparing for a big meeting the next day but he stayed with me until I it was time for me to go. My appreciation goes without saying.

These two are wonderful gems and I shall always have them close to my heart. I really appreciate them for lending their strength to me in the moments of weakness that I couldn't hide. Friends in need are friends indeed.